shut the door baby, dont say a word

i had the best weekend since sipadan
and ive been waiting for this weekend for a damn long time
i believe my patience paid off cos it rocked my socks
i think i spent nearly 5 hours dancing like a madwoman
progressing from urbanscapes to market place
urbanscapes was a pretty awesome event that i thought was really well managed
well done khadeeds :)
and because it was pretty spread out, you didnt have to face congestion
and you didnt get your face rubbed in someone's armpit
cos we all know how sexy that is
and the company was great company, all just enjoying the music
so i started with lapsap around 9 progressing to TAG around 10 and moving to market place around 12 to play with the most beautiful men in KL
4 chicks, a crowded sea of gorgeous half nekkid male bodies
hello? who also dont want la
and they were such fun because they were totally layaning us as we were equally layaning them
it's just all so terribly ironic
but who doesnt want a man telling you that you look like a combination of kimora and gong li with luscious legs to salsa with?
i swooned. i did. and it wasnt because of the RM65 jugs of long island

sunday proved to be a painful and trying experience
of trying to keep up with a family shopping spree in gardens & bangsar
with a massive, nauseous hangover
i like hanging with the family
a little crazy, very loud and totally irrational
but we get on pretty well and there is the love :)

i have 4 more days
4 more days until we create absolute mass havoc across the border
4 days till someone is going to have to get us from jail or immigration
4 days
dammit i deserve it

xL

6 days

last night was the first time i walked into a shop and not felt the obligatory responsibility to buy restrictive work clothes (read: black pants and white shirts)
and it was a fantastic feeling (read: resignation letter)
so i horded in bikinis, dresses, tops with stupid slogans and shorts like there was no tomorrow
i bought clothes based on their durability, weight and easy cleaning materials(read:backpacking)
because im off in 6 days for 6 days!! (read: diving, rock climbing & alcohol)
and im on a sickening high because of it
and im sure im irritating the shit out of ppl as well

so after the 1.5 hrs of spending more than i earn
we ended up watching wanted
which is one of the most action packed movies ive watched in a while
the script is a little hardcore
but angelina jolie, good lord, so hot, so damn fucking hot
i could go on about my new tattoo that i have in my mind
but i'll leave that for another post, another time
you need to watch it
it's probably not going to move you in any significant manner, but it's bloody entertaining
*
i ended up at the australian embassy this morning
a few months ago, there was a different intention to re-new
but this morning, that intention wasnt there and i went because i thought why not?
so they re-newed it for another 5 years till 2013
it seems redundant now, but im sure will provide some benefit later on
*
i was reading about the summer solstice that happened at the stonehedge this year last week
which got me thinking about summer '06
when i experienced that in tenerife and how everyone ran into the ocean at midnight because it was believed that if you did, all your wishes for the year would come true
i cant say if it did or didnt, but it was a pretty amazing experience
to lie on your back floating in the ocean, watching the fireworks explode above you
yeah, that was pretty damn sweet
i like living in the past sometimes, its a comfortable denial of present reality
*
emosaur gets back this weekend
then she's off with rosebud to cambodes to eat happy pizza
i hope she manages to pull that off
cos if she does, she'll gain some intense respect

xL

bang bang

im going to be the renegade* in this stupid battle of the universe vs. L

"Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow"
- mr tambourine man, bob dylan

im going to do exactly that in 2 weeks. okay, 11 days :D
and i have...69 days

*for those who are in the know ;)

xL

what i know

in the danger of sounding like a self-help book!

the past weeks have been stressful to my health
i think my physical, emotional and mental energies all went into overdrive
i did things that im not proud of
and i went through emotions that literally burnt me out
but im also on the other side now, on the landing called "okay"
each day gets easier, eventhough there is still the presence of a dull ache
saying that, that small dark presence is a reminder of what i have done and what has happened
almost like a flashing, personal reminder to never let it happen again

what has happened has allowed me to get back L time
i admit, i totally surrounded myself with people for a good 2 weeks
i called the entire world i think, from london to australia
i held onto them so tightly because i needed their support so badly but moreso i was so scared of myself
i have this stupid conscious ability to fuck myself over if i have 5 minutes alone
but this week, i spent 3 nights embracing that silence
i thought, why should i be scared of it anyway?
it's a basic human emotion that everyone goes through
shouldn't i manage my mind instead of letting it wander into depression, anger, or even loneliness?
so i managed my mind and had a long chat with myself
okay, i know i sound like ive lost the plot, but bear with me
of my fears, of what i need right now, of my position in this world
how i can better myself and also contribute back with positive energy and im getting there slowly
i haven't hit an epiphany, but im on the road to sorting it out
and im warming to the challenge
it's almost like there has been an intervention daring me to be a better person and ive taken up the dare

so each morning, irregardless if i feel good or bad when i wake up,
i ask myself what im grateful for
and i list one or two things that makes my life a fantastic one
i may not get instant gratification, but i get a little perspective
and as we know, every little bit counts

so what are you grateful for?

xL

teenage bride

i deleted the last post
the rate im going right, im not going to have anything on this blog
*
wes anderson is magic
he is one of my favourite storytellers
i loved him from rushmore
and he is one of the directors where i wait in anticipation for his movies
and im really quite bias as well
whatever he does, i love
and i loved the darjeeling limited
it wasnt as quirky as steve zissou but i can forgive him
i like that he has such simple stories of imperfection
i like imperfection
imperfection to me means that the person has got character
who wants someone who has no faults? faults make people interesting
no one i know is perfect and we have a ball of a time
*
im liking joe dassin at the moment
he's pretty classic and happy
and i truly believe that desmond jones was gay
obladi!
*
i closed a chapter today
and it was a step closer to personal happiness
im back to okay. i like okay
i think im hanging here for a little while
its a comfy little spot, a little quiet, but maybe i need reflection time anyway

xL

what goes around....

i think that we should be given a day off for the weekends
i somehow always, get to work on monday
and feel like ive been dragged and pulled for the last 2 days
maybe its because im abusing my body
and this is the only way it can get back at me
but nevertheless,
in the true celebration of having everlasting, memorable moments:

- drove all the way to serendah. which is near rawang. which is 45 minutes away from KL. rosebud has a whole lot of development there and i remember visiting it 15 years ago and it was just HUTAN, but now, its this mass of development. i get that we need it, but its a goddamn eyesore. remember i needed the waterfall? i got my waterfall, with a little trekking and walking through a MIC meeting in progress.
there is also this place there, which has to be the most minimalistic progressive retreat i have seen in kl. go to: http://www.serendah.com
good for us, we get to sit in a glass house and think
- got yi mun. oh god, enough said already
- believed that going to 21 was a great idea, which proved me wrong because there were certain people that i bumped into that i thought i would never have to see again. im on stage 2 of turning into a social recluse
- had a session that started off with a need to rid of a problem that all of us were facing. but it turned out to be us, just sitting there, and enjoying not having to deal with it. denial, i guess can be a blessing in disguise, sometimes.
- me re-visiting what should have stayed in the box. moment of weakness. moment of weakness

but instead of me moaning and groaning, lets celebrate yesterday of which god brought palap hapsap into the world ;)
woman - i could say so much right now, but im not going to. because its tearful and emotional and heartwarming. it will be like a hallmark card on speed. but i love you with all my heart and i think you know the reasons why. without you in my life, there wont be that much colour, drama and love, of which you know we cant live without. i can only wish you all the happiness, laughter and great moments that you deserve for your 24th :)
wait by the mail box ar....like a dog on crack * BIG BIG HUG*

you know, sometimes you think its all bad. then something comes along, and it makes you smile. then you sit back and go "okay, i can get through today".

xL

sticking to your guns

beach woman

boogie

desert redhead

these were done by this fantastic woman called asako

of whom i had the pleasure of knowing for the last 9 years

she stuck to her guns

she knew art was what she going to do

so she starved, loved, sacrificed, hated and fought to keep that alive

i truly respect her for all she has done and the work that she has created

xL

my final concension

i have given up
i dont want to fix things anymore
im quite sick of coming up with theories
im really sick of trying to make myself feel better
im not going to play dirty or serve revenge on a cold platter
because i only have this little ounce of dignity left and am leaving with that
im just going to accept that this is the lousy card that life has dealt
so god, please forgive me if i dont accept this graciously
that im going to scream and pen down blasphemous thoughts
and that im probably never going to see the golden gates of heaven
but thats okay, cos im cutting out the denial here
it's happened, thank you and now ill just move on with dealing with it
it was a well orchestrated wave of absolute emotional heartache
you deserve a gold star
*
on another note of current affairs
the petrol hike has taken everyone by a terrified storm
we're asking the questions and we're needing a better answer
this is one change that they didnt prepare us for that is going to hit everyone squarely in the jaw. and my heart goes out to those who already couldnt make ends meet
there are a number of ways the government can deal with this
because there is a substantial amount of people who are pissed off
but they're not going to do so
sometimes i think that they are missing the bigger picture, consciously or not
you are a government, with the intention to rule the country to its best potential
you have 20 million people under your belt who look to you to do your best, within the best intention of the majority in mind,
but somehow, this fell through the gaps or was kicked off the agenda
probably when the greed for more money and more power kicked in
human nature leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
*
im with hussy
if i make it to december, i want a " i survived 2008" shirt too
i think ive crossed the line
i moved from anger, hate and bitterness to now being jaded
because isnt being jaded one of the feelings of those who conceded?


xL

and i say GO GO GO

dictionary.com says:
es·cap·ism

Show Spelled Pronunciation[i-skey-piz-uhm] Pronunciation Key
–noun
the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in an imaginative situation, activity, etc.

wikipedia.com says:
Escapism is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant aspects of daily stress. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to try to help relieve feelings of depression or general sadness.

*
im re-reading scar tissue
this book hits me in so many ways that a book never has
i first read it 2 years ago in madrid
and i bought it only because it was the only english book the store sold
i loved it, so i gave it away when i was done
then i came back to KL and realised that i needed it in my life
so i went to borders and bought it again
and last night, i re-read it for the 4th time
it's a beautiful book that talks about his life, the drugs, the women, the experiences, his entire life of addiction and escapism and the rehab
and it's a frank story about his ups and downs
if i were to write an autobiography, im modelling it on this book
because for some fucked up reason, this chinese girl can relate to a former drug addict who makes fantastic music on the other side of the world
*
on a less depressing note
the white chocolate molten cake from chilis is SICKENING
it wasnt even finished and there were two of us
and i wanted to puke, faint, puke and then die all at one go
i dont understand how anyone can digest an entire thing on their own
*
i get to be upset today
apparently, ive allowed myself to believe its my god given right
and no one can tell me otherwise
apparently, 8 years only meant something to me

i dont ever want to be part of a club that will have me as its member - anthony kiedis, scar tissue

xL

whenever im down

stolen from behance.net, by tony ariawan

i know i had a good weekend
i just cant remember all the damn details

such is growing old and trying to be the rockstar that you arent genetically modified to be

friday saw dinner at saffron, progressing to denise

saturday saw dinner at werner's which has dope dessert, the mains were so so

and then, thats when the beginning of the end started

i remember snatches of WILD, driving to PJ because in my mind it was the smart thing to do to be designated driver -_-, dec9th wanting to get smashed, hussy in a complete alternate universe, deedee being DJ, 8 jugs of long island / wickawickawild & eryn's place

and i know that it was super fun :)

and i know that there's a kid around that has photos of the night out

i just have to figure out which kid

sunday saw me trying to appreciate dimsum with rose at jaya one then going to bulldog for "the morning after" which had me going "noooo...really? seriously? wow"

and having me in bed at 9pm watching the finale to grey's anatomy

and having me go through the same cycle of emo-ness of

crying like a baby, questioning true love and hating meredith grey

basically, a self indulgent selfish weekend

:D

*

and big props to dayve for having the most horrific, glamorous, drama filled accident at la bods which saw him spending the night at UH
oh you stupid fool :)

we'll come see you and bring your pathetic ass out

*

i did major thinking this weekend
and i dont need the damn necklace from tiffany's
although i still sit at my desk dreaming about it

i'd rather have rose top up my travel fund

it was a moment of weakness, and boy, have i been having a lot of those

*

i had a friend call me on sunday
crying her heart out, wondering when she'll get that break
the break from everything, the break from the heartache, the break from the monotony, the break from wondering "what if/when will?"

i cried with her

xL