thank you, but ill justify it to myself first

alot of ppl have recently asked me "why did you move back to kl ar?"
and at an earlier point in time, i thought i had the answer, well i had a range of answers.
from food to the lifestyle to the climate to bumming without bills to friends to independence
and i know that it was a justfication more than an answer
something i created in my own little head, wanting not to be judged

and to be honest, why would anyone want to leave melbourne?
i was literally surrounded by ppl i loved, i could have possibly got a job if i tried hard enough i applied to 3 companies :), he was there, my little bear was there, shopping just kicked ass, work actually ends at 5!, the lifestyle was perfect, there's no haze, there's no rosebud.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

then i went to spain promising everyone that i would be back
then i tasted what it's like not having a perfect routine to abide by, not having it easy and not needing it all. you can be content with alot less. you can be happy without everything you ever relied on.

of course it was bloody tough. i cried when i was lonely, i cried when i had no clue what was going on, i cried when i was confused, i wanted to give up, i wanted to return to my little world, and yeah, it sucked celebrating your 22nd with these new people i only let into my life two weeks prior.

but at the end of it all, i realised its okay to be lost and insecure and lonely and to miss my comforts and to be so alone where no one actually spoke your language and understood your version of normality. and its okay to meet new people, understand their ideals and beliefs and being open with your own.

and once i shed all that insecurity and became that little braver, i had the time of my life.

and i guess it was then i realised that melbourne held too much for me to lean on. what started off as my wants, then became my needs. and that became toxic. i learnt that i could finally stand on my own. and that if i returned, my learning experience would have been a waste of time if i didnt grow from it.

so in that sense, thats why im back in kl. although it holds all my comforts, it challenges me too. my work is crazy, the long working hours, my pay is hardly to brag about, the clients have no mercy and driving here is stressful in its own right. and being away from them is a challenge in its own as well.

along with that, i've allowed myself to grow. im less judgmental here, also due to who i hang out with...and with that, at the end of the day, you become a less hateful person. you're able to differentiate between whats trivial and whats important. you start letting things go and appreciating the good in someone rather than focusing on the bad.

maybe you dont agree with me, maybe you still think im highly hypocritical and cynical
and thats fine too, because im gonna let that go.
you can have your opinions as long as you let me have mine

btw this post isnt supposed to have a point or to even make a point. its my own catharsis, its a great feeling when you let everything go without that fear

xL