damned if you do; damned if you dont

i actually made it to one year working
it is pretty much exactly a day to the year ago i started
and im still here
sitting at the same desk
doing pretty much the same bloody thing
and i would have assumed that this would have depressed me
but im actually pretty proud that i stayed put for this long
for all it's worth, its going isn't going to look too shabby on paper

now this makes me go through an internal conflict
because now, im done with everything that i need to do by 23
ive done the education - ive got my degree
ive done the work - well im working aren't i
ive halfway done the travel - if i stop now, i wont be at loss
but yet, im still craving the greener side
i cant seem to settle
cos im always wondering the what if's
and the bittersweet-ness of it all is that rose wont hold me back
and besides her, there's no one else i answer to
so i can do what i want to do
but i dont know if thats a good or bad thing, not having boundaries
maybe i need boundaries...but jebus, i'll just break them all
see? its no longer a conflict - its a major internal fucking war

sometimes i think it would be better if i just settle and commit
to one place and build up a good thing there
but as much as i want to
i just cant allow that to happen to me at 23
23! i mean, jebus, i still feel 18
i still feel like i should be running and exploring
rather than sitting still
and look at the ideas that ive been toying with in the last 6 months alone
dog hotel / london / travelling more /
forever bouncing back and forth depending on my mood
dammit la i know how to screw myself over

and this is exactly why i should do this alone
so if i screw up, its only me paying the price for it
___________________________________________

low shao is finally leaving us
after weeks of waiting and holding her breath
she finally gets to fly off this saturday
i cant be anything but happy for her
but...but...who is going to be stupid with me now?
:(
nevermind la, im still going to come low shao
dont you worry your small little eyes
as soon as i settle with a plan, you'll be first to know

xL